You're weird.. You're weird you are!!

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
GininaCnwy goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Vampire.
corryn831 tricks you! You get a dead frog.
elveneyes11 gives you 13 softly glowing chocolate-flavoured pieces of taffy.
emptystare31305 gives you 6 light orange coffee-flavoured jawbreakers.
j2theosie gives you 18 light blue strawberry-flavoured pieces of taffy.
readbtwnthelies tricks you! You get a 3.5-inch floppy disc.
saferwaters tricks you! You get a toothbrush.
thylatterfool tricks you! You get a wad of paper.
wst_jen gives you 9 brown cherry-flavoured wafers.
x_raychick tricks you! You get a piece of paper.
xxneedthefearxx gives you 7 yellow passionfruit-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
GininaCnwy ends up with 53 pieces of candy, a dead frog, a 3.5-inch floppy disc, a toothbrush, a wad of paper, and a piece of paper.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

So this damn thing didn't post my entry AND I don't really remember what I posted... bah.. So sad.

Oh hello old friend. It has been a very LONG time since I have last posted here. I do apologize. I mostly post on Facebook now, which this entry will be posted on because I have a feed that directly posts my entries from here on to there.

I have no good reason for my absence so I won’t even try to explain it.

I have done some writing here and there, watched a good many TV shows and went to some interesting places. As of super current, tonight I will be seeing the movie Jennifer’s Body and then going to Denny’s with my pal Marina.

She’s just moved back to sunny southern California and we are long over do for a Denny’s run. At this very moment the two cousins I am babysitting are watching the ending to an episode of The Backyardigans.

Now they are watching the Aristocats.

I have been wondering if I should change up the blog and have it focused on one topic but to be honest my life is so random that the fact that my blog is random seems pretty fitting to me.

I’ll post a better update at a later time. A mixture of a headache and trying to keep and eye on kids is getting to me.

BYE!

Courtesy of http://www.paulsadowski.com/BirthDay.asp

30 July 1986

Your date of conception was on or about 6 November 1985 which was a Wednesday.

You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Leo.
Your Life path number is 7.

Your fortune cookie reads:
Trust your intuition. The universe is guiding your life.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 4 & 22.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 3, 6, 8 & 11.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2446641.5.
The golden number for 1986 is 11.
The epact number for 1986 is 19.
The year 1986 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/9/1986 and ending 1/28/1987.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Tiger.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Salmon; your plant is Raspberry.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Paopy, the second month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 23 Tammuz 5746.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 24 Tammuz 5746.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.13.3.17 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 13 tun 3 uinal 17 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Wednsday, 23 Dhi'l-Qa'dih 1406 (1406-11-23).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 30 March 1986.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 4 May 1986.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 12 February 1986.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 18 May 1986.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 25 May 1986.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Saturday, 4 October 1986.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Thursday, 24 April 1986.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 11 February 1986.

As of 2/15/2009 2:44:57 AM EST
You are 22 years old.
You are 271 months old.
You are 1,177 weeks old.
You are 8,236 days old.
You are 197,666 hours old.
You are 11,860,004 minutes old.
You are 711,600,297 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Hilary Swank (1974) Brad Hargreaves (1972) Tom Green (1971)
Vivica A. Fox (1964) Lisa Kudrow (1963) Kate Bush (1958)
Delta Burke (1956) Jean Reno (1948) Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947)
Paul Anka (1941) Peter Bogdanovich (1939) Buddy Guy (1936)
Edd 'Kookie' Byrnes (1933) Thomas Sowell (1930) Casey Stengel (1891)
Henry Ford (1863) Emily Bronte (1818)

Top songs of 1986
That's What Friends Are For by Dionne & Friends Walk Like an Egyptian by Bangles
On My Own by Patti LaBelle & Michael McDonald Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston
Stuck with You by Huey Lewis & the News Rock Me Amadeus by Falco
Kyrie by Mr. Mister Kiss by Prince & the Revolution
Papa Don't Preach by Madonna How Will I Know by Whitney Houston

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.22348336594912 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

Your lucky day is Sunday.
Your lucky number is 1 & 4.
Your ruling planet(s) is Sun.
Your lucky dates are 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th.
Your opposition sign is Aquarious.
Your opposition number(s) is 8.

Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 165 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 23 candles.

Those 23 candles produce 23 BTUs,
or 5,796 calories of heat (that's only 5.7960 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.63 US ounces of water with that many candles.
In 1986 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
In 1986 the US population was approximately 226,545,805 people, 64.0 persons per square mile.
In 1986 in the US there were 2,400,000 marriages (10%) and 1,159,000 divorces (4.8%)
In 1986 in the US there were approximately 1,990,000 deaths (8.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1986 the population of Australia was approximately 16,138,769.
In 1986 there were approximately 243,408 births in Australia.
In 1986 in Australia there were approximately 114,913 marriages and 39,417 divorces.
In 1986 in Australia there were approximately 114,981 deaths.


Your birthstone is Ruby

The Mystical properties of Ruby

Ruby is said to open one's heart to love.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Carnelian

Your birth tree is
Cypress, the Faithfulness
Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy,content,optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered,unruly, pedantic and careless.


There are 313 days till Christmas 2009!
There are 326 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning crescent.

“Hey Victeeeeeerrrrrr!”

It is 2:10AM and I should have been to bed hours ago since I have to wake up in less than five hours. And do I care? NO! Why? Because I was finally able to obtain a copy of the Motion Picture Soundtrack to the film Smoke Signals! I only really wanted one song but I am sure I will enjoy the whole thing.

The song I speak of is Forgive Our Fathers by BC Smith Featuring Ulali Wahjeeleh-Yihm. The song appears at the end of the film and I have wanted that song since I heard it back in 1998. That’s 11 years searching and waiting for this song and tonight/morning I got myself a copy of it!

Well, as much as I could write forever about just how wonderfully beautiful that song is and how much you all should check it out this post is meant to be about the actual film Smoke Signals.

How many of you have actually heard or seen this film?

Well, back in 1998 I remember this film being a big deal around my household. There aren’t many films that my grandmother would be excited to talk about or to see. This one my whole family was buzzing about and yet I have never heard of it.

We had made plans to see the film while we were in Oklahoma for my great grandfather’s, Rosco Shemayme, memorial dinner. Well at that time the movie A Night At The Roxbury came out and my sisters and I really wanted to see that one. We were very saddened when we could not see the film. We had to go into an empty theatre with just our family and watch Smoke Signals.

Which, now that I look back on, was a pretty awesome experience. A whole theatre to ourselves. We laughed like we were watching a film at home and we commented like we were at home and nobody was there to tell us, “SHH!”

The film was a great visual piece of work. For me, I felt there were a lot of kind of inside jokes that were told in the film and unless you are Native American or familiar with Native American culture you wouldn’t really understand. But it was a very moving and funny tale.

This is one of the many memories that stands out in my mind because it was one of the few times I went to the theatre with my grandmother. A film, which we both actually enjoyed and could talk about for years after that. Naturally being the person that I am, the music took to me immediately. I LOVED the music from this film.

Now 11 years after I have seen this film in a small theatre somewhere in Oklahoma I have found that soundtrack and I have found that song which I have come to love for all these years. It was a bittersweet thing for me to find. Upon listening to it the first time through I developed tears. I am such a crybaby tonight. But they are happy tears. They are tears that remind me of a great time that I had with my grandmother. They are tears that remind me of how great it is to dance in the arena, which I spoke about in the post before this one. The music from my culture is invigorating and electrifying.

I am proud of my heritage and I am proud of everything that comes from that culture. A thought has been in my mind for years now and it is to help those who want to get into filmmaking that live on reservations become familiar with the process and such. I know they have a few programs all ready out there but I guess my thoughts were more focused to when I made it big that I would be able to donate equipment and have tutors go out to teach the kids.

I know I don’t even have a mark in the world of film but I do know there aren’t a whole lot of Native American filmmakers. There are quite a bit of actors but not a lot of the behind the scenes people. I want to be able to bring that side out. One day I know I’ll be able to do that. Heck there are probably a ton of films that I have not seen yet that are just amazing that were made from these kids on the reservations.

Native Americans have been known as great storytellers. At least that’s what I have come to know growing up. Maybe that’s why I love writing so much. I love the art of storytelling. There is no greater way of showing that then through, song, written word, photos, film and art such as paintings and other things of that nature.

So now I leave you with the ending credits to Smoke Signals, which has the song that I love so much. Take care everyone!

That I was the Kateri Circle Pow Wow Princess did ya?

I didn’t think so, and I honestly think most people don’t. Which is fine, I didn’t expect you to. What is the Kateri Circle Pow Wow Princess? Well, It is a very honorable position for a young lady to represent a certain Pow Wow for a year to help bring awareness and such to said Pow Wow.

Well, my lucky year was in 2003 I believe. I am pretty sure I was 17 when it was my turn. My grandmother was the head of the Pow Wow committee for the Kateri Circle and so I think it was pretty obvious that I would be a shoe in. Not to mention that well, they didn’t have anyone else for that year. So, I came into the picture.

I think they called me the rock and roll princess because I had Blue hair at the time. You didn’t know I had Blue hair either? Wow, you have missed a lot. I miss my Blue hair actually… But not enough to have to see the ugly Green color is leaves when it all washes away. I’ll stick with Blue-Black. BUT, I digress.

So, I was 17 years old and had Blue hair, which I later had to dye to Brown. I had to go to every single Pow Wow and Native American church thing to represent the Kateri Circle. I had to dance to every single song at the Pow wow and I had to be one of the first to enter and leave the arena for Grand Entry and closing ceremonies.

I have never considered myself to be a good dancer or anything but I wasn’t half bad though. I tried my best to make my grandmother proud. There is something that takes control when I am out there in the arena. I listen to every beat of the drum and to each note that the singers hit. I’m free. Well, I feel free at least.

Now, I never really felt like I fit in with the Pow Wow crowd because well, I don’t exactly look Native American. It doesn’t help that I am half Irish and Mexican. So the whiteness from the Irish side takes over A LOT. But, when I am out in the arena I some how forget that I don’t fit in and I am in a grassy field letting the sunshine all over me.

To be perfectly honest, it’s really hard to describe what exactly happens while I am dancing. It just feels good. Trust me on that! Sometimes when I was out there in the arena I tried to imagine what Pow Wows, if they had existed back then, would have looked like before the settlers took over and moved the Native Americans to reservations.

I still have my sash, Shawl AND my lovely crown from when I was a princess. Those things have a deeper meaning to me now because it was one of the last things I really did for my grandmother. I mean, I helped her out with as much as I could when she got sick with cancer. It’s just it was one of those BIG things that she had asked of me. The last thing was to be the head lady for the same Pow Wow when I was 20 or 21.

Some may say I should go back out there and dance because of how it made me feel so good. To be honest, I haven’t felt the need to go to a Pow Wow since my grandmother has passed. Mostly because I would feel so out of place. When I would go to Pow Wows it was because my grandmother went and she had her own canopy. So, I would sit with her and enjoy the music and the dancing with her.

Now that she is gone I can’t do that with her anymore. I can’t comment on the dancing or ask her to buy me Jerky or do little odd jobs for her anymore. So, the Pow Wow has lost something that used to be a significant part of the experience for me. Maybe one day in the future I’ll at least be able to check out the booths and watch some dancing as a very far outside visitor.

Well, I am off to get me some tissues. Here I thought I could write this without a teardrop! Take care folks!

What exactly is it?

Well, according to the Webster’s Dictionary strength is:

1: the quality or state of being strong : capacity for exertion or endurance
2: power to resist force : solidity , toughness
3: power of resisting attack : impregnability
4 a: legal, logical, or moral force b: a strong attribute or inherent asset

Over the past few days I have been pondering over the meaning of that word. I honestly don’t know if people find me to be a strong person or not. I know for me I really don’t think I am that strong. Physically? Not really. I am stronger than most people believe but when it comes to moving the heavier things. Nope, I am a wet noodle.

Emotionally? I highly doubt it. My mother says you can tell how I am feeling just by looking at my face. Is that really true? I am not entirely sure. I try to hide anything that isn’t joy from people because I simply just feel like I would be bothering them. I feel like it would be inconvenient for them.

My main purpose in this life I find is to make sure the people I care about are happy. To let them know I am upset in any way defeats my whole purpose. I don’t see why my worries, fears or anything of the sort should be a burden to them. So I naturally just keep them to myself. To quote the band Chevelle, I just send the pain below. So low in fact that I try to forget. That usually does not help at all and it just explodes later.

Last night was a perfect example of that. I have been having a hard time lately with a few personal matters and such and I had received some news that just started to break away the shield of emotions that I had held back for a while now.

It started off innocently with asking a friend a question on what he does to calm himself down and soon I found myself bombarding him with all my worries and fears and how much I was scared. My poor, poor friend. I am still very sorry for having done that. I am sure that was the last thing he needed. But he was very kind about it and his advice really did help me calm down. Later on that night I told another one of my friends about everything and she told me I could have talked to her. Which I know I can, but she was playing Scrabble with her family and she was having such a good time I didn’t want to bother her with my stupid emotions.

You see I don’t understand how I can be so open to listen to people and yet I can’t be bothered to let them in on my own feelings. I mean, if it isn’t a bother to me to listen to them why do I feel like laying my crap out for them would be a pain in their butts? They never have made me feel that way. I made myself that way.

With the death of my grandmother I was told quite a lot to be strong. “Be strong for your mother.” “Be strong for your family” “Be strong.” But, what if I can’t be strong anymore? What if I never really was strong to begin with?

With all that has happened it lead me to one thought last night during my freak out. Should something happen to my mother I really don’t think I could pick myself up off the ground. I don’t think I could function in this world without her. She is the very first and greatest friend I have and for me to lose that well I am sorry my whole life would not be the same. I could not breathe without her. She means too much and for me to have to be faced with the possibility of not having her with me is horrible.

I guess one thing I lucked out on last night when I was bombarding my poor friend last night was he didn’t see me break down in tears. All he saw were my words in an IM box. I couldn’t hold them back last night. But he got me through it. And later on some very sweet friends of mine also got me through it.

I’ll have no strength left in me should that day happen. I figured I would admit this now so when the people around me see me incoherent they will know why. I’d like to think that I am strong but I really don’t think I am. Sad huh?

For now I think I will just try to be. Focus on some things that could make me happier. Writing is one of the best examples of that. Right now I need this year to be good and not full of pain. I can’t take any more pain.

I think it’d be nice…

Just to lose control, just once.

There is something inching to come out of me whenever you come around. I look at your pretty little eyes and my mind races towards the things I wish we could do. Then there is your mischievous smile that I’d like to brush across my lips. I bet you taste nice.

To be honest, right now at this very moment I don’t care if you belong to anyone. That smile just makes me want to toss my control into a box and hide it away.

I’d like to run my fingers through your dark hair that drapes your face. Gently at first but if it got tangled some, I’d give it a little tug. Just to see how you would react.

You can use your fingers to trace my skin, so soft and rough to the touch. I don’t think my lip could recover from the biting you make me do. I’d love to trace my lips across your skin. Taking little nibbles here and there. It wouldn’t be too hard my dear.

If you want we can play it your way, if you play nice. Then can we play my way for a while?

After all that is said and done just feeling the warmth of your embrace is what I need to come back to reality. It would be quite pleasant if that really happened. If I was a completely different person who just did as she pleased forgetting about the consequences.

That just isn’t me though. I am sure you do belong to someone special and I do envy her. You don’t even know my name and that’s a shame. I’d like to hear you say it aloud at least once. If the day should ever come where I decide to throw control away I hope you’re the one I lose it with.

I just want to give credit to Evanescence for the lyrics at the top of this entry. This was inspired after listening to Lose Control – Evanescence.</i>

I really wish you could see what I see.

Hi,

I do not understand what you mean by my perception of you is false. I think you are the one who is looking at yourself falsely. What I see is true and I can’t understand why you can’t see that.

You are not holding me back dear sir. You are the very thing that pushes me forward in this life and for you to say that I would be settling for you is just ridiculous. You want me to strive for greatness well I am striving for greatness. I am striving for the greatness that is in you.

Do you not understand how hard it was for me to even admit how I felt for you in the first place? It is I who does not deserve someone such as you. You are the very definition of beauty and I cannot hold a candle to you. But I felt the connection between us that I could no longer deny to myself anymore.

I am not settling for coal. I am reaching for the diamond that is right in front of me. You have never flaked out on me. You have always been there for me in my times of need. You are too very intelligent and you make me laugh on a daily basis. As for not being talented, how can you say that? You have the gift of song. You can play a number of instruments that I can only dream of playing. You write such beautiful words and when you combine all of that together you have a great musician.

I want you to try and see yourself through my eyes. Everything I see is truly there and if you could just see that then maybe you wouldn’t be pushing me away. I think we both deserve to be happy and I know we can be happy together.

If you want me to call you certain things, then fine I will. You are an asshole, jerk and a loser. I wish I hadn’t met you. I could move on with my life and it would be marvelous and I would be free.

Are you happy now? I have said them, but that doesn’t mean I have to believe them.

I am just going to end this letter now. I hope this finds you well.

- Me

P.S. I gave you my heart and I don’t want it back so please take care of it.


I am so sorry I didn't post this sooner. I know Catgem really wanted to see this. I have been working on this for a while and I haven't really been too happy with it. But I have finished it now so enjoy!

Based from a song I am listening to.

It still feels like yesterday when he walked out of my life. The pain is still sharp as ever running through my veins.

Frozen in this time warp I barely notice anything around me. I move and continue life as everyone says but mentally I am still standing there alone in the room reminding myself to breathe.

It is a constant wonder to me how anyone can simply move on from something that was such an important part of your life up until that moment when they left. Everything reminds me of him. There are certain smells, different shades of the color blue, music, books, everything.

Some days are easier than most because I just focus on my work and ignore everything else around me. It’s the days where I have nothing else to do that leave me to wander around noticing the reminders. It’s those days that I set my reminder to breathe.

I try to sleep on those days because if I can get away from the reminders I can be free to my own devices. I am safe and warm in my bed. My dreams take me to happier times and my blankets are no longer a warm cover but they are his arms wrapped around me. I awake to the sad reality before me and I try to be in my blur state of mind yet again.

It’s been so long now that I am used to ignoring everything around me. I’ve managed to venture out on my own and create new memories for myself. Reminding myself that I am not dead but alive and I should live. I’ve read books I’ve never had time to read. I’ve seen all the films I have ever wanted to see and discovering new films I didn’t know I wanted to see.

My best moments are when I go off on my walks. I like to take them in the early morning before all the shops have opened for the day. The sun shinning down across the street and touches my skin brings a smile to my face. I like the warmth it makes me happy in the cold mornings.

One morning as I was enjoying my beautiful rays of sunlight and I suddenly forget to breathe. There he is before me just across the street. All the pain I have managed to ignore rushes through me once more. I am back to that cold empty room where he left me.

I close my eyes and realize that all I can do is just keep breathing. It’s time to cross the street and I look straight ahead and focus on each breath I take. Each step feels like an eternity. He gets closer and closer to me; I continue to focus on passing him by. If I look at him my pain will take over once more and I can’t have that. I like feeling alive too much to let it go.

We are right next to each other now. I hold my breath just so I can get past him. I pray he doesn’t notice me but alas at the last moment he glances over to my direction as we pass. I just keep walking and hold my breath until I reach the sidewalk. When I think I am in the clear I let out all the air and breath in. It was fresh air at first but then the next intake was a fresh scent of his cologne. It was the same one I bought for him one year. I feel him behind me now.

He speaks my name and the sound is like heavens angels singing. I feel calm for a moment and I turn to face him once more. His eyes are so familiar to me. In fact, his whole face is familiar to me. Not because it is him but it is a look that I have grown familiar with over the time of our departure from one another. I had the same look for months.

There are no words to be spoken because it is just understood. We embrace ourselves in each other’s arms. A whisper from him makes me giggle. The words he whispered were “Keep breathing.” Then everything felt right again there in my rays of sunlight.

Just something that popped into my head when I was listening to the song Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson.